Spiritual Work In Progress

Christmas Eve,
I witnessed my mind bombed to ground, as
I saw the rubble, debris in horror, suddenly
I frozen everything is gone, everything is gone, and
I lost sights of everything, my pillars, my principles.

Christmas Day,
I wandered in indefinite space and time, how about
I circled in circles and circles, unstoppably
I echoed and echoed the hurtful truths, uncontrollably
I continued indefinitely in time and space.

Boxing Day,
I mustered with all my might the scarce bit left in me, there
I stood upon the debris of my broken mind and heart, and
I scouted out the most important for my mind and heart, whether in
Bits and pieces of strength or will, or
Fragments and remnants of faith or love, and painfully
I, with just the scarce bit left in me, accompanied by
My friends' kindness, encouragement and moral support, so
I begun the daunting task of putting together, as fitable as can be
All the many many bits and pieces, fragments and remnants, and
Frame them back into my mind and heart.

Work in progress, and will take lots of love and uncertainties, that
They may never be the same again, but
At least better than lay waste in ruins.

Fiery Fear

I am cowardice, take me away;
I am unfit, lock me away;
I am impotent, do me away;
I am afraid, what am I waiting for?

Swim Away My Emotional Stress

EMOTIONAL STRESS ESCALATED.

It was about 8:15pm and the swimming pool was illy lit. The water was fairly transparent but cold. I plunged into the pool and kicked away. My old, smudgy, scratched googles did not help but like borne me a pair of bat's eyes. I pounded hard, I dragged harder. I looked ahead to remain a straight path. I did not care for anything else. I looked at nothing else but straight ahead.

A STRAIGHT PATH AN INTACT OF SANITY.

Dark, shadowy, dreamy I pulled hard. Occasonal dispersed particles of light travelled my path. Just as my respiration frustrated me I pushed harder, I pulled fierier. Not a spare second to catch a second breath. The medium was darkened, undarkened; ghostly, earthly; my mind merely flew with the universe. Allowed the universe to dictate my mind.

ONLY A UNIVERSAL MIND, NEVER A UNIVERSAL BODY.

One pull, one push, at the wall of opposite end I flipped and the flight repeated. The devil came and went but could never stayed long; the universe the mightiest. The devil relentless, I was prevailing. I minded my own business, I did look at the night sky. I knew I would pummel without fail. I could not have been alone. I must finish. Not a lap less; heavens, not a meter less.

A COMPLETE ROUTINE A SUCCESSFUL DISCIPLINE.

It took me nearly 75 minutes. I swam 2.5 km.

Time Space Mediocrities

... created creation, time and space; time, space
Transverse immemorial, infinity; time, space
Voyage what is matter, what is non-matter; time, space
Transcend, tyrannize all is, are; time, space
Transpire, blink instantaneous years; time, space
Contain, dictate mediocrities.

... mediocrities, livable years and living things; livables
Celebrate, rejoice every living; livings
Love, TEST every livable; livables
Mature, age every living; living
Procreate, annihilate every livable; years, things
livable, living relentlessly celebratory, salutatory;

... 2012, Christmas Eve, a remembrance with
Immense, unbearable weights on my shoulder; to all
Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, friends, truly
I wish a joyous, wonderful Christmas Eve to 2013; whilst
I wait till tonight to kick away my 2.5 km swim!!!

Truly stressed, nathan phang.

Hopeful In A Storm

When a storm comes, it comes on everywhere, everybody.
No discrimination, no favourites.
Science, aka human the privileged the fortunate,
Exploits nature at the huge expense of nature,
aka the unprivileged the unfortunate,
only because the privileged the fortunate would enjoy a stormier ride later.
Those that already suffered are prepared.
Those that have not are not prepared.
Earth has long been favored till no place on earth is favored.
While life is a mere instance, why not give as compassionate as we can.
Without discrimmination, without hatred,
Peace always, compassion always,
As human is first created to do.

Desperately hopeful me commented an article by Bloomberg Bussinessweek on China's many expats exits from China.

China: For Many Expats, It's Not Worth It

Loser Learns Harder

Like religion or philosophy, experience teaches too;

experience begets another, a cycle cease on one’s earthly departure;

do not hold on to anything but core stuffs and dutiful faith;

may cut ties with love and compassion,

do not burn love and compassion;

leave love and compassion grow in others,

praying and wishing so;

burning love and compassion leave hatred and illness;

hatred and illness the satan spawned vehicle;

the vehicle carries materialism and all fatal accidents;

one loses surely learns harder;

live and let live, leave and let go;

for all well beings, for love and compassion, with love and compassion,

truthfully Nathan.

A VICTIMIZED STRANGER, HEARTFUL OF COMPANSSION!

14^th July, 2012 at 11.00am, I was driving on a busy road. I was patient yet my human but flawed faculty of judgement failed me that led me to a minor car accident. My car kissed the butt of the car in front and left a smudge on the butt. We droved to a less busy road to avoid causing a traffic.

I came out from my car when I saw her gestured me to be careful with passing vehicles. I felt warm because she showed compassion. Then we talked and discussed how much I should pay for the smudge. I admitted I was guilty. Apparently her car was very recently gratified a new coat of paint; I believed as the car looked very new. I told her I was broke but can afford to pay fifty or a hundred. When I took out my wallet I realized I had only $28 and coincidental my bank account receipt dated only the day before $39. I showed her my wallet and the receipt with an emphasis on the date as it was only late last night. I told her I had depression as I started to feel stressed and I believed I looked so too.

In my whole life, first time I was given untainted compassion. Perhaps I dressed like a mental patient or exuded so, this young Indian girl opened her purse, pulled out a fifty and inserted into my car seat. I was totally overwhelmed by her kindness and compassion.

She said, “ I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU!”

She was a total VICTIMIZED stranger learned me like a human being, no ranks, in one only omnipresent language.

Values, beliefs all core stuffs don’t dig validating, validatory action.

Overwhelmed, inspired Nathan.

WRITING IN LIVING OR LIVING IN WRITING?

I imagined smashing against the tallest tidal wave, a surfing neophyte, to compare my encounters with the harshest reality; a childish mind.

Do I inform, encourage others what faiths teach us?

Do I inform, encourage others what I have learned from faiths?

Do I inform, encourage others what I believe universality in human being?

I came to enjoy and embrace eclecticism; while syncretism is tempting but the difficulties in cultural, traditional differences and values would be unfathomable to place in one vein?

And then, I thought, why not I concentrate on body fitness? Perhaps six vaguely abdominal packs? Reading is still burning but time is a constraint. Fitness takes priority. Fitness objectives inspire me more than ever. Not for others but just for myself. I swim at least twice a week; 2.5 kilometer to 3. Is this vanity? Internalized vanity?

Today I succeeded removing RVHOST.EXE virus from my laptop. A virus I picked up from scanning my office local network two days ago. So I googled and found one site with a solution that really daunted me until to the minute today’s afternoon I succeeded removing it. It is great.

Meditation worked Nathan.

A DIVINE DIVIDE!

Yeah man, every instant takes its turn to pass, to presence, to future. Present is really a razor between past and future; the crest of the divine waves of past and future of time and space smashed against each other; the watershed the present. In certain faith OR FAITHS, the reality has no inherent nature; the nature of reality is empty, void. Depending at a moment of time and in a place of space, the number of such occurences or instances is beyong our human mind can even humbly chart. Each instance is like a void that only allow what ever preceding to pour in to make a reality; as in human mind, never succeeding to pour backward. Then this divine number of so called reality produce another divine number. The word "Interdependence" is used, hence all instances are interdependent to produce the next divine number, just the preceding moving atoms pushing those in front; like atomic energy.

Generations and generations of life do not need to be serious or routine or follow a trend. Of course, it is terribly difficult not to living to learn some seem to have atomic energy but not decaying! Therfore, I will have to cease writing at when one's life is decaying, genuine one. The others far above that decaying stage can still choose to be unhappy, not unhappy or happy.

Time to slumberland. Knowing more is a good feeling that must not stay too long; I cut the content of the particular space reserved for such feeling and paste into the recycle bin, the past, which I rarely retrieve or recover. As soon as the space is empty I fill it again with goodness when I know more. The emptiness in this space that push me to know now!

Cursor stopped. Good night everybody. Serenity is beauty, Nathan Phang.

LEARNING BEGETS UNDERSTANDING!

If we are living in the digital age, whether we are travelling in a private vehicle or other forms of public transportation, other than the driver or operating crew of public transportation, how many of us still find long hours are hard to sit past? Assuming those not incapacitated and not devoid of a faculty of intellect, does it not having wireless mobile devices greatly entertaining that palliate the pathology of long hours of boredom?

As our planet Earth rapidly has her nature tampered by human; landscapes transmogrified to accommodate expanding human race; nature coffers raided to fulfill greed and wants; unique topographies disfigured to validate power and wealth; the protective layers of atmosphere destroyed to feed ignorance and egotism. The resulting ramifications forcing the poorer poorest, the poorest poorer; incubating the rich richer, richer richest in the banking vault, the uber-rich.

If I seemed straying or desultory from digital age to nature destruction, I am not. Rather I like to attempt to link the good the bad to engender an advantage, carving a dharmic, or dynamic, mind of living for myself, those close to my heart and those who would read my blog one day.

Faith in good beings and have faith in good beings.

I always believe it is constructive, and a great boon or a blessing, to share or to be able to share and, correspondingly, express and exchange good or creative thoughts whether with friends, as a writer or in a pooled manner which I can never imagined to live it out in MY BLOG! Collaborative tools which are all blessings I am truly fortunate to live to experience. I admitted that I am a wannabe writer THAT I dreaded every time I thought of blogging. I expect my future readers many soon would spot sporadic mistakes in my writing and picked me apart with their acid comments; and if there are even the harshest comments that would be such a marvel. I have ideated that I have to write mistakes and to be picked apart to fasten improvement.

Summarizing my fourth post, whether it was mental upheaval or social turmoil, living my life till today, healthily and minus complaints, is the strength of blessings and serendipity….

*1* A PASSION FOR TRUTH,

*2* A PASSION TO READ,

*3* A PASSION TO LEARN,

*4* A PASSION TO APPLY …..

NO VIOLENCE, NO WAR!

RIDE THE TIDE OF WIRELESS AND MOBILITY, SURF THE WAVE OF PASSION AND PATIENCE!

Have you ever felt embarrassed pulling out a hard-copy dictionary, in public or presence of nieces or nephews flashing iPad or its equivalent, seeking meaning of a word? Or ever felt uncomfortable reading a hard-copy book while possibly distracted every direction by clicks and ticks and streams of ring tone of latest pop song?

Are book lovers being reduced to outdated or generational-gapped creatures? Is eBook replacing book? Are the awe-inspiring new technologies digitizing and embalming into eBooks the books I so beloved paper and ink such that I can scribble here and there, and retrenching my old beloved dictionary too? What do all these mean? No more conventional writing tools, reading materials or bookshelves?

I love books. I love the new the very old, the smell of both. I have a peculiarly loving affinity for my dictionary. It is pure passion; I owed a lot of my being to my reading, my books; more recently by surfing the net. For many years I carried books, articles and a dictionary in my security bag everywhere I travelled, and I still do but only one book and faithful dictionary. Time is killed unnoticeably quickly.

Years ago when I was reading a book titled “Our Mutual Friend” by Charles Dickens, I remembered having difficulties which took me nearly six months to finish. I found many emotions were simply beautifully written that it was nearly palpable yet uncountable words were new to me; I had no laptop or wireless or 3G mobile then. You see, I have a habit of lingering on interesting or beautiful words or sentences. In 2009, I read Karen Armstrong’s A History of God; to have finished reading the book marked a new milestone in my being; I loved this book. I did a lot of cross-referencing surfing the net with the latter book. It was a book of brief accounts of three major religions which were very new to me. It took me nine months to finish reading the book, but, how can I consider that a long time? While I shall not mentioned too much of the books I read at this time, but from birth till a Mind Past 50, I am and have always been a normal, average person with an average mind.

The tides of wireless and mobile devices came and come, I rode and ride on them. The waves of intense and unabating passion roared and roar, I surfed and surf them. I feel very fortunate to be able to ride on technology and surf on passion to learn, understand and gain insights. I truly consider myself an amateur in books yet to be able to finish Karen Armstrong’s book was not an easy task without the aids of my laptop. All these that culminated writing my thoughts in a blog is a gift of one of human’s better technology in a very healing way for one like me.

Penning off, truly hoping and wishing all in the world a peaceful life!

A BABY BOOMER'S EUREKA

Is it not amazing? Is it not subliming?

For a baby boomer and a computer science graduate in the nineteen eighties, I am so amazed and sublimed. While many baby boomers became successful and well rewarded for their computer and related fields studies, I was not one of them. I never worked for any IT firm. My past working experience with companies I worked for is nothing but a mediocrity like toying proudly with tanky CPU, chunky monitors and clumsy keyboards. Still they were pioneers and respectable machines that one should not disrespect.....

..... During my early working years, I dealt mainly in accounting and banking facilities. I do not regret as the experience renders very helpful today. But it was realizing how removed from the cyber realm I was, in 2010, I know I know just 2 years ago, that catapulted me into anything digital, mobile or cyber; if I had not befriended many Generation Y's and then X's archetypes, I never would have understood as yet humbly as now and beckoned into the great Information and Communication Technology and its awed development.

Wonder how many users enjoy the convenience of a mobile device in her or his convenient cubicle or powder room?

I know I do, and  yet my knowledge in computer is so mean and similarly to be said for my laptop and mobile device. I did not owe a laptop or wifi devices for a long time until 2011 when a kind friend gave away his laptop, and until March 2012 another brotherly friend gave me a 3G plus wifi mobile phone. As my blog title declares that I aged past 50, all the more reason I have to create a blog to share my understanding of being 50+ with anyone that one day reads my blog. You see, these two giveaways truly markedly signified a 50+ baby boomer who has just begun his journey to the most important realm in the world, conveying and acquiring information.....

 

 

..... My maiden voyage to the wireless cyber was nearly coincided with the time when laptop was given to me. Not long after that I was swimming in an ocean of wireless internet. I digress but I love swimming. Where I live, a humble dwelling, anywhere within the perimeter of it, I felt awed with the the fettle of wifi convenience, pardon me that I used the term 'wifi' so loosely. It is just awesome that I am able to search and understang anything I need and want to understand disregarding my whereabouts. I do sound like a child with a new toy but I am nearly history! Like a Neanderthal suddenly possessing advance tools in, as like inquiring and acquiring for a new lease of life and a new way of living by 'googling', 'wiki'ing', 'yahoo'ing' etc. .....

..... For many years I possessed no will to live but now I have no reason for no will to live!

My laptop is Dell's Pentium Inspiron 700 and the mobile phone iPhone first generation which I am so fortunate so have. Hmm, they must be older than my youngest niece or nephew of four years old.

To pen off today's post I would like to extend my sincere apologies to readers who find my context distasteful or offensive.

FIRST MOMENT!

11:45am plus seconds, local time in KL, this moment I must admit is exciting but momentous to me. This spectacular moment opens a work-in-progress window for me to welcome any one, any thing, any phenomenon whether they peek, say 'hi ya!', ask for directions or steal in a drizzle or a thunderbolt. But I suspect I will spend more time 'hi ya!' to passerby, onlooker or even kibitzer if they are at my window; rains or sunshine nature gifts no one cannot not welcome.

That moment may have passed but the next 23 plus hours are still very significant as the window will remain open to begin a new chapter. I am Nathan and just edged past 50, or aged past? Mmm? 50 years may have past but the most unforgettable period of real experiences that attributed to how I am today is the last 10 years. It was torrential but educating. I thought perhaps I would put my thoughts in writing or, better yet, share them. I thought I would be a bit thick-skin to suggest to myself I do have quite a heapful of thoughts, ideas, information etc to share, and conversely to gain from my, errr....., readers!? But I do believe I will gain a lot from blogging.

As I am writing my first blog, an immediate extemporary creation before my 'momentous moment', I like to offer my apologies in advance for any grammar or spelling mistake, context fragmentation etc. I will bear any critical remarks with an open and constructive mind. Too much time had passed wasted and left untold of, owing to those whom and who remains unspoken, abundant love and care were unconditionally shared but remains unsaid. Yes, unconditional love, care. Perhaps partly this blog will become my testimonial to them; partly a seeking of how and what 'I am' and 'you all' are all about through a conveyor of circuits, wires, cables, satelliates, the wonders of informaton and communicaton technologies of infinite, punishing height.

Dear world, lets start cracking!